Overthinking and ovaries : The month that was January

I cannot believe it is February already! January has flown by and somehow, i’ve managed not to write anything here for a month. Pretty stupid as one of my goals for this year, as mentioned in my 2017 goals post was to blog a couple of times per week. Maybe, I’ll still be able to claim that one based on averages at the end of the year? Since writing that post, I read a lot of similarly themed posts where people have acknowledged how hard of a month January is for sticking to goals. It’s cold, it’s dark and you have to go from eating cheeseboards in your PJ’s to being a fully functional adult again. I can’t argue with their logic.

January is normally an extension of Christmas for me, as I celebrate my birthday on the 10th, which usually means even more food and (if i’m lucky) some sort of holiday! I had a total of 6 days between New Year’s celebrations and the beginning of birthday fun this year. Not good for trying to get back into any kind of routine.

family dinner

I went for a lovely meal with my family on the weekend before my birthday at a Thai resturant in town. On my actual birthday, I was working in London. I didn’t tell anyone in the co-working office it was my birthday, mainly because i’m super awkward and don’t like demanding the fuss. However, if people don’t know it’s your birthday and you don’t tell them straight away, they end up feeling bad if they find out later in the day, which is exactly what happened! This is actually even more awkward, so in future i’m going to make sure I wear a badge or something, so people can say ‘ohh it’s your birthday, happy birthday’ and get all that awkward business out of the way straight away…

meal with friends

The weekend after the birthday celebrations continued with a cinema trip to see LA LA LAND (so good) with a few girlfriends, followed by a lovely meal at Café de Soleil in Canterbury (ahhhmazing). Afterwards we headed back to my house for cake and a friend stayed over for a girly sleepover.

The night before my birthday, Steve couldn’t keep my birthday gift a secret anymore and revealed that he was taking me to New York, by giving me a dollar. Instead of reacting like a normal person and screaming OH MY GOD NEW YORK!! I was more like ‘ohh shit, that’s like a 7 hour flight right?’. I’m a terrible person.

twenty dollar bill

I’m not scared of flying at all, but i’m not a fan of being in a confined space for too long. As much as I was so excited to see New York (which I so was!) and leave Europe for the first time, I was shitting myself just a little.

What made this worse was that a couple of days before we went, I’d been feeling a little under the weather with some abdominal symptoms, so decided to get checked by a doctor. Especially as the USA is notorious for its cripplingly expensive medical system. As I have Crohns, I already have to get pre-existing medical cover for travelling, which is much more expensive. The thought of actually having to use that cover in the US is quite a scary prospect, being inherently suspicious of insurance companies.

I went to the doctors, thinking it was probably a common UTI. However, I left the appointment slightly terrified because the doctor decided to do a small scan of my abdomen and told me either I had a large ovarian cyst or my bowel was stuck to my bladder!

So, as a result of this I was told I couldn’t get medical cover for my trip, because I was waiting for a urgent ultrasound. I was worried about ruining the trip, which made me feel pretty awful. I was also worried (of course) about my actual health, so this sent my anxiety levels pretty sky high. Luckily (sort of) I got my ultrasound before I went and they revealed I have a large cyst on my left ovary. Good because I managed to get medical cover, knowing what it was and good that it wasn’t my bowel, but bad because I still have a large cyst on my ovary and may need surgery.

times square new york

I basically went to New York terrified that it would rupture over the Atlantic, which exasperated my flight anxiety and left me thinking ‘shit, what if I need medical attention in the air?’. I had to console myself by acknowledging that this could happen on any flight or at any time (not exactly anxiety reducing right?).

I’m terrified of the prospect of having surgery again and all the complications that can arise from it. When you’re on the internet reading about having your ovary damaged, or having it removed completely, making it harder to have kids, when you already have a disease that makes your future feel potentially scary and difficult, it’s pretty all-consuming mentally.

I’ve got another scan this month to see if anything changes, so fingers crossed it shrinks or disappears so they don’t have to remove it. I’ve also got an MRI this month for my Crohns, so I’m really hoping that’s all hunky dory also.

Anyway, I promise I did actually have a really nice time in New York and I will blog about all the nice stuff separately in my next post, so i’m sorry that this has all been anxiety and medical stuff, which must be kind of boring to hear about, but it has been a huge focus of January for me. It hasn’t been the easiest month mentally. All this and worrying about all the Brexit/Trump shit this month, has left me wanting to avoid social media for the sake of my sanity!

central park new york

January did have more to it and I should probably mention some other things, so back to the goals I mentioned at the beginning of the post. I did achieve some goals this month (other than surviving two 7 hour flights to New York- yey!). I signed up for the Whitstable 10k run and I started training for it. I’ve really been enjoying my short morning jogs with Magnus in -4 degree weather and I am feeling really positive that this will be the year I become a respectful runner! Oh, and I almost forgot, it also SNOWED this January. It may have only lasted about 48 hours if that, but it was beaaaautifulll. I got very excited and ran outside with Magnus to twirl in it for a while.

snow at night in sittingbourne kent

How was your January? Did you have snow where you are?


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